a night in the life and another lackluster week of running and beer

So my days aren’t really that extraordinary. We do kid stuff, eat food, sometimes there is hygiene. But I thought I’d do a “night in the life” post because nights have been hard and I’d like some recognition for that. And I gotta hand it to you working parents out there. I cannot IMAGINE having to go into an office and work all day after a night like the one we just had.

Some of these times are approximations because it’s all a little hazy, but I do distinctly remember that I saw every hour on the clock so I think I’m still somewhat of a reliable narrator.

7:30 Both kids are in bed.

10:25 Lights out for me.

11:00 Codie wakes up. The routine is: wait a few minutes to see if she’ll go back to sleep on her own, then when she (most often) doesn’t, I jump out of bed and rush down the hall to get her before she starts really crying and wakes the toddler up.

12:00 Codie’s up again.

12:24 (I know this exact time because I took a picture) I wake up because the hall light is on and find Kenzie passed out in the doorway. She’s been doing this lately. Sometimes she wakes us up, but sometimes we just find her out there sleeping. It’s kind of sad!

Is this the saddest thing you've ever seen?

1:25 Codie’s up again. This time she’s wide awake and it takes me an HOUR to get her back to sleep.

3:15ish? I hear Codie murmuring through the monitor but this time she actually goes back to sleep on her own.

4:25 Codie’s up again. I have to go in there but she goes right back to sleep.

5:56 Codie’s up again. I nurse/rock for about 15 minutes and she goes back to sleep.

6:46 Kenzie’s up and in the hallway again. I pull her into bed with me and sort of half-sleep while she watches a cartoon.

7:25 Codie’s up again and we’re all up for the day.

But heeeey, it’s fine! Now that I have adjusted my expectations, I am no longer shocked and dismayed when I don’t sleep. I’ve simply redefined how much “sleep” is in a “night.” Positive vibes!


Fuck positive vibes


I took some extra days off last week due to sheer exhaustion, but ended up with the same mileage because I skipped cycling and weights. My legs felt pretty sluggish on Sunday’s run (I couldn’t get under 10:00 to save my life), and my knees kind of ached on Monday. It was a helpful reminder that I am still overweight and out of shape.



Some good stuff! Another Green Bullet. Damn, I can’t get enough of that stuff. A Schlafly English Export IPA which I was hesitant to purchase, but turned out to be pretty decent. If you like IPAs but don’t like to get socked in the face with obnoxious amounts of hops, you might like this style. A coffee stout, which tasted like coffee stout. I’d drink it again. And Upland Dragonfly, which I haven’t had in ages and tasted better than I remember.

This week: The plan is a little less running and a little more cross-training. And sleep. Please dear Cthulhu, I need some sleep.

Birthday funsies

So I’ll be back tomorrow with an update on running and beer and probably a little bit more complaining about sleep, but today my blog is dedicated to my eldest daughter who just turned three. THREE.

This was the first year we threw her an actual, real birthday party. Last year we just had a very small family party and the year before that it was just a bunch of grownups sitting around drinking beer and eating cupcakes, so Year Three was a pretty big deal.


We started the day off with presents. Good god, the presents. This kid is going to be absolutely rotten. For some weird reason, Kenzie’s aunt and grandparents think she hung the moon and they love to give her all kinds of presents.

She got an incredible set of building blocks, some Frozen stuff including books, action figures (is that what you call them?) and an Elsa dress (which she has now been wearing for three days straight) and a whole bunch of art supplies to go with the easel that her dad and I bought her.

little painter

As you can see we are running out of room in our house for all her shit.

little engineer

Gender neutral building blocks and a sparkly pink purse.

After she worked up a sufficient appetite from all the building and painting and mess-making, her ladyship was served a feast of chocolate chip Mickey Mouse pancakes.

mickey mouse pancakes are the shiznit

But no whipped cream because we’re awful parents.

After the baby’s nap, we all drove to the Indianapolis Children’s Museum which is one of the dopest places on Earth for kids and adults alike. (We took her there on her birthday last year too!)

Since Kenzie no longer naps, we had no time constraints and we spent several hours at the museum checking out the ACTUAL EXHIBITS instead of just hauling ass to the playscape and carousel.


Told you, Elsa dress.

elsa at the museum

Actual Exhibits.

She had such a good time, she passed out cold on the way home which is our worst nightmare these days because we’ve found if she naps for even 15 minutes, she won’t go to bed at night.


That face though.

Day Number 2 of Birthday Number 3 began with the scarfing of more pancakes before we loaded everybody in the car (to the tune of the toddler’s impassioned screams because we cruelly forced her to put on a jacket over her sundress so she wouldn’t freeze to death in the 30 degree temps) and drove to this bouncy place for her birthday party.

all i really want is girls

Little girls in socks! Can you literally not even??


Sundress with pants because FASHION.

Oh, and there was cake.

blurry frozen cake

Out-of-focus Frozen cake with the ‘3’ already removed because again, awful parents.

And just like that, I have a three year old.

a lot of feelings

Oh, and just so nobody thinks we re-homed the baby:

Luckily, she had no idea it wasn't her birthday.

Luckily, she had no idea it wasn’t her birthday.

10 holiday dieting tips that really (probably) work

Editor’s note: While I was writing this, it occurred to me that I already had this idea for a blog post like three years ago and some of the items that I was going to put on here today were already there. So I had to come up with all new stupid ideas. You know you’ve been blogging too long when you have the same ideas twice. At least I’m consistent?

Yeah so, I keep seeing articles on the internet about holiday dieting tips so I thought it’d be fun to come up with a few of my own. Of course, when using dieting tips you found on a blog, your only risk is that you will look SMOKING HOT for the holidays and absolutely no other precautions are necessary.

1. I mean, speed. If you can’t get the street variety, try one of those cold medicines you have to show ID for at the pharmacy. And take a lot.


Do seizures also help you lose weight? They couldn’t hurt!

2. Laxatives and/or E. coli. The last time I had explosive diarrhea I lost like 5 pounds. Plus those fever sweats will give you a nice dewy glow.


3. The Paltrow. Your nutrition will be nothing but lemon water and your own smug self-righteousness. You can accelerate things by taking a shot of castor oil (source: GOOP). Beauty hurts.

smug gwen

4. The Papow-trow. It’s the Paltrow but with Red Bull.

5. Just cook really terrible food. The more it looks like your dog barfed onto your plate, the less you’ll want to eat it and pretty soon, it’s Skinnyville: population YOU.


6. Hire a personal trainer!

7. Get another job to afford your personal trainer!


8. Have a baby and breastfeed it forever. (Results may vary.)

9. Ebola roller derby.  So. fucking. many. calories.


10. Stop breathing.

Anything I’ve missed? How do you stay trim during the holidays?