three shitty things that happened this week

Posted on June 3, 2012 by Marie

1. Our air conditioner is all shot to shit and we have to buy a new one.

Now, I don’t mind sitting around a sauna-house all day. Because sweat-loss pounds are just as good as actual weight-loss pounds. But the baby gets cranky when she sweats. Such a princess. Ordinarily, we’d just take this opportunity to shack up at the Hilton for a week or so, but somebody decided raising a child would be more rewarding than rolling around in piles of discretionary income all day long.

Long story short, I was forced to sell my body in exchange for a new AC. I won’t tell you what vile acts I had to perform, but lets just say the touch-screen thermostat was extra. I feel so dirty. Cool, but dirty.

2. I re-hurt my toe.

I thought it was all better, even had the best 4 mile stroller run of my life, and then Wednesday evening, I was walking down the hall and just kind of rolled over the side of my foot weird and heard a pop! followed by immediate excruciating pain 10 times worse than the initial injury. And now I really can’t run. I can hardly walk. 

Swimming has been my only option, and even kicking my legs in the pool made the toe angry. But it does finally feel a smidge better today, so I think I might try going for a little jog. I am unreasonably optimistic about this and will most likely end up disappointed. What’s worse: the weather has been absolutely incredible the past few days and I haven’t been able to take advantage of it.

3. I somehow walked out of Target less one of my grocery bags, which included MY COFFEE. Imagine my surprise Friday morning when I hurried into the kitchen after nursing the baby–my motivation for nursing the baby at the buttcrack of dawn while I’m still half asleep is my one giant cup of reward coffee–only to find no coffee.

I got the runaround on the phone, but when I went back to the store, they were actually really nice and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t just trying to scam them out of some coffee, rice, cheese and chicken stock. (Oh, and I just remembered I’m also missing four bottles of wine, some frosting, chicken wings, chocolate milk, pork tenderloins…) Even though my hair was dirty and I was wearing flip-flops because my gimp toe won’t go into a shoe just yet.

Yes, I suppose I could look at the bright side and say all’s well that ends well, but I think people who say that are assholes.

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on (not) getting over myself

Posted on May 25, 2012 by Marie

First off, my toe is doing much better. It still hurts and has been turning all sorts of interesting shades of purple over the last few days, but I don’t see any bone poking through, so I think I’ll live.

Here are a few snapshots, since SK and others may be wondering about the specific shades…

 

It’s very like a young Cabernet on the actual toe, with a kind of smoky midnight blue tone around the base near my foot. I can’t wait for the swirls of green and yellow to come in as the bruising fades!

Anyway, so I have been running a little. For some reason, wearing my running shoes hurts my toe less than being barefoot. But it’s not that fun because I’m aware of my toe being wonky and I feel like I’m compensating for it at the expense of my other foot. I’m not doing a full-on skip-hop, but it’s close. So I really needed to go to the pool today, for psychological as well as physical reasons, but my husband’s out of town and I have successfully avoided the YMCA’s childcare like the plague, until now.

Okay. I read the GOMI forums. I know you guys will probably call me a smothering mom and a pretentious ass and a whiny bitch and mutter under your breath that I need to check my privilege, but we’re going on six months and I have never left my daughter with anyone other than my husband and my parents. I can’t explain to you what happens when you’re a new mom, but the first time you have to hand your baby over to, for all practical purposes, a stranger, and just walk away, it’s fucking hard. You’re completely neurotic and convinced no one else is quite as qualified as you to hold your baby and change her diaper, and you stay that way until you are at some point forced to get over yourself. Some moms do it sooner than others, and some are better at it than me, but that’s just how it is.

I’ll give you a second to finish rolling your eyes.

The Y’s policy is that they come and get you if your baby cries longer than 10 minutes, so I felt pretty good when I walked away and she didn’t cry, and then made it through my swim without hearing from them. But apparently, she’d gone ballistic exactly nine minutes prior and they just were just about to come track me down when I showed up. Dude, she was crying harder than I’ve ever seen her cry, excepting when the good doctor pulled her out of me. Shuddering, snot glazing the upper lip, big fat tears gushing down. Goddamn it.

Maybe I could have given them a few tips that might have prevented the blow-up? Like, so she enjoys looking at trees…her favorite game is to throw things and have you pick them up…hold her like this, not that…but I didn’t want to be That Mom giving them a rundown of all my professional tips on how to soothe a baby. These people are not retarded. I can’t remember what kind of certification they hold, but they’re at least somewhat experienced in childcare. (At my last gym, they totally looked like a bunch of deadpan, minimum-wage teenagers who didn’t give a shit about babies.) Kenzie probably just realized I wasn’t there and freaked the fuck out.

Also, for 9:30 in the morning on a weekday, there were a fuckload of other kids there. Toddlers running around screaming, other babies babbling and hollering, so it was pretty loud and chaotic. I think I may suck it up and try again in a few days, but maybe go at a different time when there’s not quite so many other kids. You know, because my special snowflake baby requires more personal attention. And other kids are assholes.

Anyway, it’s fine. She didn’t die and I don’t think she will be permanently traumatized. I might be, though. Today’s little experience didn’t do much in the way of curing my neuroses. I probably just need to have a beer and go back to bed.

Posted in Life, Running | Tagged , , , , | 18 Comments

does this look broken to you?

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Marie

Like the graceful and delicate swan I am, last night I plodded straight into the coffee table and smashed my favorite toe.

I’d like to say I put on a brave face so I could teach my baby a valuable lesson about putting on a brave face, but I did not. (Also, she’s a BABY.) I collapsed on the floor and cursed while a few fat, angry (sad clumsy ugly) tears squirted out of my tightly clenched lids.

Yeah. I run 30 days in a row without hurting myself and then promptly trip over a table in my house. I’m certain this is going to put a damper on my Glorious and Ambitious Fitness Program.

Posted in Life, Running, tv | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

things I should have done a long time ago

Posted on May 20, 2012 by Marie

Bought new running shoes. 

Adizeros, and they are like being weightless and naked and on PCP on a cloud in heaven.

I look really skinny from the ankles down.

Ended my running streak.

I started feeling something wonky in my right shin a couple of days ago and knew that I couldn’t carry on with this silliness for much longer without hurting myself. But the last two days were fanfuckingtastic:

Day 29: 3 miles in 27:08

Day 30: 2 miles in 18:00

I haven’t run without the stroller in a couple of weeks, so when I ran sans baby Friday and Saturday, I found my speed had improved considerably. I might try another 30-day streak when I’m in better shape, but for now my goal is to run five days a week and work up to 20 miles a week. AND BUILD STRENGTH. I might post some more thoughts on the value (or non-value) of streaks here in a little while. Or I might not.

Cut my hair.

After another few weeks went by with me still vacuuming up my hair off the bathroom floor and pulling strands of hair off the baby’s hands before she could put them in her mouth, and pulling strands of hair out of the shower drain and out of the crack of my ass, I was finally fed up enough to take decisive action and cut it all off. It’s probably the shortest it has ever been, but it feels marvelous. And considering I’ve probably “done” my hair maybe twice in the last six months (meaning blow dry, brush, straighten, what have you), there was no sense in me having long hair anyway. Goodbye and good riddance.

I cut off a school bus and ran over a flock of baby geese to snap this photograph for you.

Had a nap.

Lately, for shits and giggles (literally) the kid has been waking up at 3 a.m. After a few consecutive nights on no sleep (I might be exaggerating), my husband ordered me back to bed and even took the baby for a run so the house would be empty and quiet. I crashed for two hours and it was (quite literally) the best two hours of my life. I thought this was pretty serious until I read some baby forums (never a good idea) and realized that having a 6 month old who occasionally wakes up once during the night is really not that bad. I guess I just feel cheated because it’s never happened until now. I probably need to address my privilege.

Taken the baby to a beer party.

Relax, kids were invited. I’m not that asshole who gets invited to a party and goes, “oh hey, is it cool if I bring my KID?” And the host doesn’t want to be a dick so he’s like, “well, uh, you know, there’s probably not going to be any other kids, and there’s going to be a bonfire and sharp objects and group sex and you know, I just don’t know if she’d have any fun, but you’re welcome to bring her…”

We only stayed for an hour and a half because it ended up being hot as balls and wearing a baby in a scalding black Moby wrap while sweat drips down the crack of your ass (that’s ass crack remark #2 for anyone who’s counting!) is not good for anybody, but Kenzie had fun(ish) and more importantly, I didn’t have to drive so I got a good buzz on.

This was image stolen from Facebook without permission.

Gone the fuck to bed.

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Operation Glutenful

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Marie

So it turns out I am one of three remaining people on the planet who still tolerates gluten. Hell, I not only tolerate the shit…

But a bunch of people are trying to tell me that gluten is responsible for everything that’s wrong with me:

  • Weight gain
  • Weight loss
  • Fatigue
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Farting
  • Explosive diarrhea
  • Fat

Friends, I’ll not be so easily swayed. It’s my contention that a diet heavy in rye, barley, wheat and yes, plenty of OATS(!) is what my body craves. Gluten is not the disease, it’s the cure!

Let’s explore.

First of all, I have been eating gluteny things for pretty much my whole life, and look how great I am.

Oh, are you taking a photo of me? You caught me completely unaware! I mean, it's not like I even just handed you my camera and asked you to take a photo of me.

Two, beer has gluten in it, and I’ve never regretted a beer, ever. (I have often, however, regretted seventh beers.)

Wheat makes you beautiful.

Three, gluten has definitely helped me become a faster runner! When I have a meal that is heavy in gluten, it’s almost like I’m wearing a jet pack!

Plus, have you ever noticed how diarrhea totally gives you that sinewy, gaunt look?

Tara Reid knows what I'm talking about.

[source]

And four, that gluten “brain fog” they’re always talking about really isn’t such a bad thing. It’s kind of like being stoned, and a lot cheaper!

If you’re wondering how to get started, this traditional Mexican-American fare of fajitas, quesadillas and tortilla chips are a tasty and gluten-full treat.

Gluten and gluten with a side of gluten. And some bean dip.

You might think that corn tortillas wouldn’t have a lot of gluten in them, but these are special corn-wheat tortillas (for real), which I think are lighter and fluffier than regular corn tortillas. And a surefire way to tell if there’s gluten in something is if it’s fluffy!

Anyway, all this talk about gluten is making me hungry for more gluten! Off I go!

Do you like gluten? What kinds of gluteny things do you like to eat? 

Posted in beer, Food & Drink, Running | Tagged , , | 21 Comments

important events happening in my non-blogging life

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Marie

It’s been a while. I think I might be losing that talent for daily blogging that some might argue I never had in the first place. Also my talent for writing sentences. Or thinking coherent thoughts in my head. It’s very likely my cerebral cortex has become crusted over with a fine layer of barley wine and baby barf.

Anyway. It’s streak day 24. Honestly, I think I’m at the point where I’m just doing this out of spite. I’m not getting any faster or stronger and I am certainly not learning anything. I have not transcended. I just really like looking at the string of back-to-back days on the Garmin site.

pretty.

Here are some of the pathetic numbers since the streak began April 20:

Weekly mileage:

Week of 4/16 (half week): 7
Week of 4/23: 15
Week of 4/30: 13
Week of 5/7: 17

Total miles: 53
Total time: 9h:32m
Average distance: 2.14 miles
Average pace: 10:43

For those of you who may have just stumbled onto this blog, I JUST HAD A BABY SO FUCK OFF.

I’ve been running with the stroller almost exclusively so I’m not running fast, and despite what I just said four or five sentences ago, I do think running has been getting easier so there is the possibility that this hasn’t all been an exercise in futility. At any rate, I’ve been having fun.

I did start doing a little strength work (grudingly) in the way of my Jillian tapes. Usually around 9 or 10 p.m. after the baby’s asleep and after I’ve had six or seven beers. Because the best workouts are the ones you don’t even remember.

[awkward segue into beer talk]

More important than what I’ve been doing to my body is what I’ve been putting in it. (See there? I set up a dick joke for you. You’re welcome.) Beer. I discovered a brewery in Indianapolis that I did not even know existed.

Triton Brewing is way the hell on the opposite side of Indy from me, so it’s not weird that I don’t stop by there every day on my way home from not having a job. I found a six-pack of the Rail Splitter IPA at Trader Joe’s last week, and the friendly bagger (ha?) told me that Triton is the only Indianapolis brewery that actually bottles and distributes their beer. (Can anyone confirm? Oaken Barrel is technically in Greenwood, and Sun King distributes cans only.)

Come take a look at how Triton Brewing Company works. Take a weekend brewery tour, talk shop, or simply enjoy your favorite beer in our smoke-free, family-friendly tasting room. We also have flat screen televisions so you won’t miss any sporting action. All ages are welcome.

Sounds like we’re going to have to take the baby up there for a tasting. She’s probably already developing a very sophisticated pallet due to the all the beer in my breast milk. KIDDING. Don’t flip out.

Also, 100% of Triton Brewing Company’s spent grain goes to local farms to be used as feed for cattle and poultry! And since a lot of local cattle and poultry goes into me, I am pretty much consuming this beer in every way possible.

Rail Splitter is a 7% ABV (NICE), 70 IBU India pale ale. Sharply floral, but finishes malty and smooth, in that way that makes it really easy to take down four or five big swigs without coming up for air. I had two of them last night and became awkwardly buzzed before I thought to check the ABV on the bottle. Not complaining, though.

Plans for the week: more running, more beer, more baby barf. I had every intention of writing up something clever and thoughtful for Kenzie’s 5-month birthday, but it came and went and that cerebral cortex thing continued to sputter and fizz. But I assure you: she is still astonishingly cute and extraordinarily advanced for her age.

See?

Posted in beer, Life, Running, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

A little bitter

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Marie

I have a love/hate relationship with the Indianapolis 500Fest Mini Marathon (it’s tomorrow). I’ve run it nearly every year since I’ve lived here, except for one year I had a sprained ankle and last year when I was pregnant.

With more than 35,000 participant, it’s the nation’s largest half marathon, and I’ve since realized the advantages of running a smaller race: I’m not fast enough to get preferred seeding, which means I start out crammed between a bunch of people who may or may not be actually running. Once, I started out in the 10:00 pace corral next to a lady wearing jeans and carrying her purse. So the sheer volume of annoying people in any big race can be frustrating, but this was the very first half marathon I ran, and it holds a special place in my pudgy little heart. Plus you get to do a lap around the famous Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which is kind of neat. (I’ve never been into cars or racing, but I’m told it is kind of neat.)

A happy moment on the motor speedway.

Back in November, I actually thought about registering for the race, thinking, surely I’ll be ready for a half by May, that gives me four months to train! Hah. Considering I’m barely running 13 miles a WEEK right now, I’m so glad I didn’t jump the gun and waste money on a race that would be absolutely miserable in my current condition. (And judging by the forecast for tomorrow, it looks like it may be pretty miserable for everyone!)

Anyway, I’m still a little bitter. It just sucks hearing all about it on the news and from friends, and knowing I’m not going to be there. But Indy has a couple of great Fall half marathons and I’ll definitely be ready and itching to race again by then.

As for today, you shitheads be careful out there! And don’t talk to me about the race. I’ll be drowning my sorrows in beer and baby barf until Sunday.

Kisses!

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HEY GIRL! or: the hilarity of misguided rage

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Marie

So I used to work at a TV news station. My official title was web content coordinator, but everybody called me Web Girl. It made me feel like a dork superhero. And although I did many important things to facilitate the dissemination of news via the Information Superhighway, mostly people just wanted me to check on how many “computer hits” the website was getting throughout the day. And the reporters wanted to know how many people clicked on their bios. Broadcast. Pffft.

Anyway, one thing I learned about television news is that you get a lot of hate mail, mostly when you have to cut in on programming during severe weather. There’s nothing like a sad, lonely, jealous, fat and ugly person raging because you interrupted 45 seconds of the last minute of the last quarter, or worse, the season finale of [name any popular reality show].

We In The Television News Industry are sympathetic to the needs of our viewers and do our best to get through severe weather updates as quickly as possible. That’s why I was both tickled and bewildered tonight as I watched a damn near 30 minute weather cut-in, even more so when I realized it was during the season finale of The Biggest Loser. (And since you aren’t reading anything about any tornado carnage in Indiana, you can presume there really was very little weather to report.) Seriously, I worked on the Texas Gulf coast during Hurricane Emily (órale!) and we didn’t have 30-minute severe weather updates. (Okay, we did, but that was a fucking HURRICANE.)

Anyway, I made a funny tweet about it, and then headed over to WTHR’s Facebook page, where a bunch of people had expressed their displeasure (peppered with grammatical errors and misspellings, natch) with WTHR’s long-winded update. Now, in the age of social media, we all get to share in the brilliance that is hate mail!

Here are a few of my favorites:

 

Poor Shelly. She really tried to hold it together, but in the end, she was forced to resort to CAPS. (And the “Hey Girl!” is probably the best part.) And no, I didn’t black out the names because it’s a public page and really, these people deserve whatever ridicule they get.

Anyway, before all the barely existent severe weather struck, I managed to squeeze in another run, continuing my poorly planned and sloppily executed run streak with another 3-miler around my favorite (#sarcasm) fitness trail. I had the baby so I cruised along at an 11:15 pace, but it counts. And really, I just can’t find any fucks to give about how fast I run with the stroller. Anything running is impressive in my opinion.

We’re looking at high 80s tomorrow! Fack. Going to have to get out there early if I want to keep up this suckery. Lucky 13?

See you.

Posted in Life, Running, tv | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

In lieu of actual content…

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Marie

I don’t have anything mind-blowing to report, but I did have an iced coffee today.

Anyway. The run streak continues. Today was day 11, which is six days more than I’ve ever run consecutively in my life. Too bad the measly mileage I’m putting down completely invalidates the streak.

I ran a mile to the gym, where I plunked my tired-ass legs into the pool and aqua-waddled for about 20 minutes.  I have had some discomfort in my hips and pelvic joints, and also my knees and ankles, and I keep waiting for that magical moment where I transcend, but it hasn’t happened yet. I feel like it might be time to throw in the towel.

Things I’m doing to my own detriment:

Not any strength work. I hate it. It’s boring. I’m just not willing to make the effort. I swim a few days a week, but I’d be kidding myself if I thought it was enough to actually be meaningful.

Not varying my running activities enough. I run on the same paved fitness trail around my gym every day and it’s getting a little tedious. All the same parts of me are getting hammered without a break and that wasn’t the point of this.

Running in old shoes. I have these Adidas Marathons that I just love, but they’re worn out. I trained and trail ran and wore them as street shoes for most of last year. But it seems kind of pretentious and wasteful to buy new running shoes when I’m not even running 20 miles a week. I know a bunch of you guys walk out the front door every day to find 50 pairs of new shoes piled up on your doorstep from shoe companies that want you to queef and drool all the fuck over them on your blog, and you can wear a different pair of shoes every day of the week, but I’ve alienated any potential sponsors by using words like queef and fuck all the time. And yeah, I know the badass runners of yore ran in old tire tread strapped to their feet but I am not badass.*

So yeah, that was fun but I might be done with it. I’m not saying I’m going to wise up and start lifting weights or taking care of my feet or stretching, but I will consider the possibility that you can’t kick start your triumphant return to running by doing a mile or two a day while holding onto all of your bad, lazy habits. Bad, lazy, fat, jealous, ugly and sad habits.

Oh, look at the baby:

At least I'm good at making good-looking babies.

*For the purposes of just this post, I am not badass.

Posted in Life, Running | Tagged , , , , | 30 Comments

tequila farts

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Marie

And on the seventh day, she read in Runner’s World about this dude who did a 25-year run streak and she wanted to blow her brains out.

Yeah, well. You gotta start somewhere right? You might be laughing now, but who’s going to be the one laughing in another 25 years? Probably that dude. Because he’ll still be alive and I’ll have long since died of alcohol poisoning.

I’m starting to feel the effort of the last six days, but in a good way. A run streak is kind of like starving yourself (or giving up air!): there’s going to be some initial discomfort as your body adjusts, but after a while, it just begins to feel right. And the reward is that you look so, so good.

Anyway, I ran with the baby yesterday morning and again yesterday afternoon, when my dick husband put me to shame by taking off at a 9:00 pace. I could barely keep up with him and I wasn’t even the one pushing the stroller. In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to try pulling a double just yet. My ankles feel a little squishy today, but I’ll live.

Last night, we ended up having an impromptu party to watch the Bulls beat the crap out of the Pacers. I essentially have no job, my husband was off, and our friends and neighbors apparently need very little convincing to come over and drink tequila on a Wednesday. So I am doing the bare minimum today: a mile run to the gym so I can float around in the pool awhile and get rid of these party zits.

That Google giveaway: My unlucky winner is Cindy of Loteria Chicana!

obligatory proof that I chose a random number, so the cyberpolice don't come and shut me down.

She recently kicked ass in the LA Marathon and I feel a special kinship toward her because she lives in the Southwest. (I know Albuquerque is not Los Angeles, but shut up. The kinship. We haz it.)

Cindy: email me your address (or your PO Box if you don’t want me popping in unannounced sometime), and I’ll get you your prize. I haven’t decided what it will be yet, but I promise you: IT WILL BE FUCKING EPIC.*

*ish

 

Posted in Food & Drink, Running | Tagged , | 1 Comment