the third trimester fuckits

I’m throwing in the towel, you guys!

The morning after last Thursday’s run, I woke up with excruciating sciatic nerve pain from my right ass cheek all the way down to my calf, and it lasted two days. I could barely walk. I took four days off from running and two days off completely from life and then because I’m stupid I decided to try a little test run on Tuesday, just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. I didn’t have the sciatic nerve pain but I only ran 2.5 miles (and by “ran” I mean a 5:1 run/walk at 10:45-11:45 pace) before I realized I wasn’t having any fun at all. I was just counting the seconds until my walk break. So yeah, I’m done.


I’m not upset though. (I’m writing a whole blog post about it, but not upset!) I hardly ran at all during my first pregnancy so I’m glad I was able to go as long as I did. Maybe it’s been beneficial to my health? I have no proof other than my own anecdotal evidence, but I’ve felt better and had more energy this time around, and I haven’t gained 50 pounds, which has made everyday activities a little more enjoyable. Whether that’s because of running, who knows. But it certainly hasn’t been my diet.


And I realize how absurd it would be to keep running just to meet some arbitrary goal that nobody gives a shit about but me, and to risk doing permanent damage to my ass and hips.

For now, I don’t yearn to be outside running. Yesterday I planned on doing some kind of workout but the decision to do jack shit instead was an incredibly easy one.

fat and lazy

I went swimming on Wednesday and although the chlorine did suck every ounce of moisture from my body just as I feared, the actual swimming part wasn’t too bad. My arms burned after just two laps, but I got warmed up and did 1000 yards without wanting to end my life.

facedown pool party

Also, I posted this on my blog the first time I was pregnant and NOBODY EVEN APPRECIATED IT SO I’M POSTING IT AGAIN:

maries baby


It took me nearly 20 minutes during my former REAL JOB to photoshop my face on there, so I think it’s worth one more attempt to solicit your praise and adoration. And if you can’t name that film, we can’t be friends anymore.

Oh, and here’s a selfie! A blurry one. 31 weeks, 6 days.

pregnancy selfie

#idonthaveasmartphone :(

unnoteworthy runs I’ve done recently

So last week we put the toddler in the car and drove to Missouri, on purpose.

road tripping with a toddler

I’m pretty busy right now, but I’ve penciled in a tantrum for 6:30.

I was going to write up like a big, fascinating travel report because it’s basically the only thing that happened last week and this is as close as we’re gonna to get to a beach vacation any time soon, but I’m not feeling all story-telly today so I thought I’d just talk about running some more. So if you came here hoping not to read another blog post about being pregnant and running…dumbass.

Last Thursday? I did a track workout!

LOLJKNO. But I did get to run really, really slowly around an actual track. It was soft and squishy and positively dreamy for my poor fat feet.

kardashian feet

I had to see this so I think you should have to see it too.

A few years ago I wrote a blog post about how I tried to find a damn track on my side of town that wasn’t locked up behind an 8 foot security fence. Seriously. What do they think people are going to do to an open field? Steal the bleachers? Joint sub-committee on the 50 fucking yard line? livin But in certain small towns in Missouri where it’s like 1959 and people don’t even lock their doors (or their meth trailers), the high school tracks are open to everyone.

Side note? Last time I went to Missouri, I ran on the Katy Trail, but the trail head is a good two miles or so from the house and I probably wouldn’t have made it home with my uterus still intact. And the track was only half a block away.

I didn’t take any selfies, but picture a 30-going-on-47-weeks pregnant chick waddling around in a shirt that’s too small and the wrong kind of sunglasses and smiling like a lunatic. That was me.

I had plans to run Friday, Saturday and Sunday but I didn’t. IDK gif After a lot of driving and some torrential rain and demoralizing high winds, I was finally able to do some running outdoors this week.

Monday I was on the fitness trail at my YMCA for 3.5 miles without even having to take a pee break.

I did it again on Tuesday, but I had to stop two miles in to run inside the gym, swipe my card, and waddle down a long hall to the locker room to relieve myself. It took almost five minutes and sort of killed my momentum but somehow I summoned the courage to go back outside and run another mile.  BooHoo Today I ran with the stroller, in 30 mph winds, which made me feel like I was pushing a station wagon. I quit early and I’m really proud of that decision because there’s probably nothing stupider than running with a jogging stroller when you’re 30 weeks pregnant. I ran so slowly I may as well have been walking, and I was exhausted before I even hit 3.0 miles. (LOL?)

The key to running (or any kind of working out, really) when you are pregnant is to quit while you’re ahead. The days that I’m like I feel great, I think I’ll just keep going! are they days that I end up with an achy butt and crotch. So I’ve learned to just do my 3-ish miles and STOP, no matter how incredible I might feel. giphy That’s all I’ve got for now!

Warning: I really want to do an update soon on our new baby’s room (it’s not a nursery okay? It’s a ROOM), but it’s not quite ready yet. I know most of you probably won’t give a shit but I’m going to do it anyway because I don’t do creative things that often and I’m proud of it and also because IT’S MY FUCKING BLOG.

Here’s a little teaser… IMG_8810 Other frivolous blog posts I have coming up:

  • 1000 words on what amniotic fluid smells like
  • Things I’ve added to shopping carts and never purchased
  • Why just the placenta? Other human organs I think we should encapsulate and eat
  • Metamucil: for happy assholes #unsponsored

Any requests? Because as you can see, I am really reaching here. All suggestions, no matter how obnoxious, offensive or even sincere, will be entertained.

highs and lows

Hi there!

So here are some April Fools Day posts I considered writing today:

  • I’m running a marathon next week!
  • My birth plan: a drug-free c-section at home in my bathtub!
  • I got a job as a breast pump tester! {giveaway!}
  • I got a job at Chobani!

But then I realized I don’t need April Fools as an excuse to write something stupid. Let’s talk about my workouts and some other shit instead!

Highs and lows

My low point last week was throwing up on Friday evening. I doubt it was pregnancy-related because I’ve never thrown up during a pregnancy (I always had endless nausea without any payoff). But I also didn’t have the fever, aches, or chills associated with a shit-virus. Weird.

I spent the next day recovering from barfing, because barfing is hard work, y’all!

The high point of my week was a gorgeous Sunday run outside. I was so psychotically, ridiculously thrilled for the warm weather that I didn’t even mind having to push the stroller or take walk breaks every five minutes. You’ve got to remind me about this feeling when it’s August and I’m bitching about the heat. We spent so many days and weeks stuck indoors, I felt like I’d been released from prison. In a totally first-world, never-been-to-prison kind of way.

I was worried about how Kenzie would tolerate the stroller since she hasn’t been in it for almost six months, but she was fantastic. She ate Cheerios and talked to me and didn’t scream or throw stuff or anything! It took me about 40 minutes to do 3.3 miles, and I would have loved to keep going. It seemed a shame to stop when my toddler was still so tranquil, but, reasons. (The longest I’ve ever pushed her in the jogger was seven miles, and it was because she fell asleep.)

Running in general has been going about the same for the last month or so. Since I scaled back and started taking walk breaks, I haven’t had any aches or soreness and I can usually run 3-4 times a week. Three miles is pretty much my max. I know this is what everybody says, but I’m just grateful that I’m still able to do workoutish things, and that I can still run.

Internet highs and lows/more on #motherrunnering

Alyssa wrote a fun #motherrunner Q&A post, and she has a great attitude about running while pregnant. Basically, you’re having a baby because you want to have a BABY, not because you want to be a badass #motherrunner. (Sorry, I can’t type that word without using the hastag. The HASHTAG is part of the spelling.) About racing while pregnant, she says:

…why would I pay and seek out more opportunities for exhaustion and possible failure? I really don’t see the point of getting up early on the weekends in the last few months before I subject myself to a lifetime of that, when I could just as easily do an afternoon workout on my own. Without a parking hassle and a bunch of people in my way.

And she included some more insight from Kara on pregnant workouts:

When I see pictures or read stories about people running marathons at 9 months of pregnancy or doing box jumps at Crossfit, I’m not impressed. I’m disgusted. Pregnancy isn’t a promise and you should treat it like a precious thing. Don’t spout of s&%$ like “Pregnancy isn’t a medical condition” or “I know what I’m doing” or even better “My doctor said I could do this.” You don’t know what you are doing (even the Duggar lady admits that each pregnancy is different and that bitch should know) and pregnancy IS a medical condition.

And for the low, selfies. If you have to take a picture of yourself every single goddamn time you do a workout, maybe you need to reanalyze your life choices. Nobody is impressed by that Instagram of your legs (strategically flexed to make you look more muscular!) on a stationary bike or your pregnant belly on the treadmill. 


Thoughts? What’s making you burst with joy or seethe with rage this week?