something heartwarming about my children

I don’t know if it’s just hormones, but lately I’ve really been enjoying my kids.


Before you go all OMG in your Gretchen Weiner voice, I’ll explain. I love my kids like crazy. So much that sometimes I ache. I actually lay in bed at night and yearn for them (unless I’m drunk and then I’m okay). I sneak into their rooms to watch them sleep.


But having two littles (two very little littles at that) is hard, you guys. Codie turns eight months old TOMORROW and she isn’t quite crawling yet, but she can roll all the way across the room if you let her, and Kenzie is three years old and 90% potty-trained, and taking care of them both at the same time is sometimes a little more of a clusterfuck than I thought it would be, and I didn’t have any delusions about how clusterfucky it would be (except I guess I did).

mind blown

Also, even though one of them sleeps in, the other one still wakes up at the crack of dawn.


And having one more cultivator of bacteria in the house means somebody is almost always sick. I can only assume that someday all this germ exposure will pay off in the form of superhuman immunity, but in the meantime, amoxicillin.


When you’re thinking about having another kid, the rationale is that maybe since you’ve already got this one kid, adding another one isn’t going to be THAT hard because at least you know how to do a lot of parenting things already.

Except it turns out I don’t know how to do any parenting things. Codie is the polar opposite of Kenzie. And I’m not saying that like it’s her fault or she’s a BAD baby. They’re both good and healthy and happy and smart and I’m way luckier than I deserve to be for as much of a bitch as I am.

prince flouce

Codie smiles ALL THE TIME. Misses a nap? Smiles. Double ear infection? Smiles. Hasn’t pooped in four days? Lethargic, but smiling. But she doesn’t do anything the way I think she will.

no idea

But right around 6-7 months, when Codie could finally sit up and Kenzie was starting to figure out that she had somebody she could dress up and boss around all the time (“We’re going to turn this baby into a zebra!”), this cool thing happened. They started playing together.


I found that instead of having to be right there all the time holding the baby or making sure Kenzie didn’t hug her too hard or knock her over or hand her a choking hazard or mash her face into the carpet or step on her, I could just sit back and watch them. (I mean, I could do that it two minute increments before I had to run interference).

It felt glorious.

happy tears

I can see the future, you guys, And in it, the girls are playing together while I completely ignore them and get drunk. It’s what I envisioned the whole time I was pregnant. It’s what I’ve been waiting for since we brought #2 home from the hospital. Enjoying all the happy feels of being a mom and none of the work.

handler drunk

If only babies were born eight months old. And potty-trained.

what I’ve been up to whilst not blogging

Yeah, so apparently some blogger guy I’ve never heard of quit the internet this week, and he was so important that his departure sounded the official death knell for blogging (even though we all know blogging ACTUALLY bought the farm like two years ago).

It was a helpful reminder to me that I haven’t blogged in a while and I really need to check in with you guys and also make sure I don’t pay for another year of hosting.

bloggingI’ll probably try to import my shit back to the free WordPress domain, but while the ads are still running, please reread my post on the differences between bloggers and journalists. Of which I am currently neither. And tell your friends.

get money

So. I haven’t been blogging because I just really don’t fucking feel like it. But I promise you, I have absolutely been living! (You win a Dixie cup of Franzia if you got that reference.) Running is going pretty well. The kids are fantastic. Cute, funny. Fucking brilliant. My husband is Captain Awesome. He gets me. And he’s bonerific. I’m reading more. Volunteering. I got a new, fun haircut and at my last dental appointment, I had no cavities. Also, my latest post on Instagram got more than 20 LURBS, so I guess you could say I’m livin’ the dream…



I’ve been doing about 10-12 miles a week, but I can’t for the life of me summon the motivation to keep track of my workouts. I run outside sometimes, and other times I run on the treadmill at the gym. I had ONE run that averaged under a 9:00 pace (8:50), but I mostly average in the 9:30s, and I rarely run more than three miles. I’m happy. I’m comfortable. I’m still 15 pounds overweight but I’m feeling better about it every day.

I did sign up for a marathon. (WHAT THE FUCK?!!1!11!) It was new year’s day and there was a sale and it turns out I’m not the only one. But it’s not for nine more months so I have plenty of time to get into shape or drop down to the half (and make it seem like I’m somehow still a badass).

Other workouts!

I fucked up my rotator cuff (overzealous dumbbell chest fly) so I can’t do ANY kind of cross-training, strength work, conditioning or weight-lifting. Seriously. I can barely crack open a beer. It’s excruciating. I sprained the living shit out of my ankle once, and that was worse, but only by a tiny margin. I have an appointment with a sports physician next week though, and I’m hoping he can just saw the fucking thing off, replace it with a bionic arm and we can move on. It seriously hurts so bad like, every time I move. Today I was pressing the lid onto a Tupperware container and it touched a nerve or something and the pain exploded all through me.



I finished Assassination Vacation. Then I read Baby-led Weaning, Bright-Sided, and now I’m devouring a for-funsies novel by Daniel Silva, The Kill Artist. I read several of his spy novels last year out of chronological order (it didn’t mess them up too much), but now I’m starting from the beginning. They are fantastic, easy-to-read thrillers and so much fun. (And apparently a spy film franchise is in the works.) I also read a 50-pager on potty training but I don’t think that counts.


We watched the fuck out of Hannibal and True Detective, and now we’re watching a bunch of depressing documentaries (Hot Coffee, Talhotblond, The Bridge, Dear Zachary) until Better Call Saul and The Walking Dead start up. True Detective is now EASILY in my top 5 TV series of all time. (1. Breaking Bad 2. Six Feet Under. 3. Dexter (until it started sucking) 4. Boardwalk Empire.


Yes, always. And too many to name. But friend me on Untappd! if you seriously care.

I guess that’s about it.

So what’s been up with you guys lately? 

2014 according to my blog

So when you blog, it’s really important not to let opportunities for page views go unfulfilled, and there’s this big thing at the end of the year about writing the most unique, inspirational blog post reflecting on the year. Shit you accomplished. Resolutions. cute pictures of you doing interesting things. So here’s my version of that, except I’m too lazy to actually reflect so I just threw up a bunch of links to shit I blogged about. ENJOY.


In January, I had trouble finding a good pair of maternity leggings.


In February, I ate a lot of pop-tarts and it was cold outside.

pop tart factory

In March, I saw Steve Earle in concert and “ran” a 5k. Baked cookies and ate frosting straight out of the can.

5k race

In April, I planted stuff in the garden and had problems with one of my cats pissing on the carpet, and also DGAF.

You can't see me when I'm in my hidey.

In May, I got a smartphone!


In June, I complained a lot and then I had a baby.

2014-06-24 09.27.25

July. I hardly remember July at all. I didn’t sleep much and my nipples were very tender but I was happy.

#mommymartyr #getajob

In August, I sweat a lot and went on my first postpartum run.

stock runner photo

In September, another sleep strike happened and I complained about it.


In October, I took the kids to like, 70 different pumpkin patches, ran another 5k and we flew to Albuquerque.

okay, just one regurgitated instagram photo

In November, I ran a Thanksgiving 5k and didn’t wear pants all month.

stupid sexy flanders

In December, I started tracking my weekly workouts and beer intake and my toddler turned 3 and got a bike for Christmas. (Codie got teeth).

in our christmas pjs

Total mileage in 2014: 319ish. 

Here’s to an equally inspirational 2015!