I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

Today is one of those days that if I hadn’t been able to run, I’d probably be sitting in the middle of my living room, sobbing. It started when my eldest tore out of her room screaming at 2 a.m. and came to a head 12 hours later, when I’d JUST gotten both of them down for naps and the battery on Codie’s swing died. As soon as it stopped rocking, she grunted, arched her back, opened her eyes and began to wail.

daisy

Anyway. Let’s not fight about who’s busier or more tired or who works harder. I know I’m a stay-at-home-mom and I should be fucking grateful, checking my privilege hither and yon, but christ, some days I feel like sitting in an office where nobody is crying or throwing up on me might be a whole lot easier.

And then I remember pajamas all day.

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Kenzie has been on a destructive streak. She’ll sweep everything off a table onto the floor and then just smirk.  She’s exhibiting her leadership skills as the leaners-in like to say, and we’re trying so hard to be firm and consistent because we all know that people who aren’t disciplined as children grow up to be assholes. But she’s making us work for it.

You don't tell me what to do!

You don’t tell me what to do!

She is also refusing to stay in her crib. The first time it happened, it proceeded a bedtime fit so it wasn’t THAT much of a shock. But the second and third time, she quietly hopped out, opened the door and strolled casually down the hall into the living room. Last night, there was a storm and rolling thunder that started at 2 a.m. and continued until dawn. Nobody slept except the baby.

dead

We’re going to do the whole toddler bed transition thing soon, but we’re trying to approach it as delicately as possible so we don’t fuck her up even more. I don’t want it to seem like we’re rewarding her for getting out of the crib by giving her an even easier way to get out of the crib, you know? Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

A positive: she is astonishingly cute and bright and funny when she’s not driving me batshit insane.

babies

See?

Not to be outdone by her sister, the smaller of my progeny is refusing to take a bottle. Honestly, I always thought people who complained about this just weren’t trying hard enough. Kenzie always took a bottle and because I had one kid who took bottles, I assumed I knew everything there was to know about babies and bottles!

smug

But, while it is true that a baby probably WILL take a bottle if she’s hungry enough, many people underestimate just how stubbornly they can refuse, kicking and screaming and pushing that bottle away like it’s full of the black plague. So for now, Codie and I are tethered to one another and I have to wait to have a drink until she’s gone to bed for the night. At which time I an usually too tired to do anything but crawl into bed myself.

I know, I know, my misfortune is breathtaking.

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She is, however, ALMOST sleeping through the night. Most nights she sleeps from 9 or 10 p.m. until 4 a.m., and usually goes back down again for another two or three hours. I know it won’t last. I’m fully prepared for the 4 month, 8 month, 12 month and 2.5 year sleep regressions.

But, cheeks!

cheeks

I own you.

This morning I dropped them both off at the gym childcare and ran outside by myself for 45 glorious minutes. My crotch was aching and my knees were creaking, and I’m still 20-25 pounds overweight and ridiculously slow, but I’m optimistic. I feel closer to normal.

I have not jumped the gun and signed up for any races. I have no intention of wasting money on a race entry if there’s any chance I might suck at it. There’s plenty of time to get back to being a badass motherrunner when I’m getting more than four hours of sleep.

thumbs

obligatory triggery postpartum weight loss post

So as far as I can tell, when most bloggers reach two months postpartum, they’re anywhere from zero to seven pounds from their pre-baby weight. Oh, not that they care! They totally don’t even pay attention to their weight! They just weighed themselves in order to answer YOUR questions in this blog post. And they totally don’t track their calorie intake either. 3pounds I wrote this impatient post approximately three weeks after I had Kenzie, when I had apparently already lost 30 pounds. Now, almost seven weeks after having Codie, I’ve only lost 20 pounds (so I have like, 25 left to go but i’d settle for 15) and NONE of my clothes fit me except sweatpants and one pair of cargo shorts. Even my t-shirts are too tight. And that giant size ZZ Moving Comfort sports bra I bought in the second trimester? Too tight.

Everybody says the weight is harder to lose after the second one, but in typical me fashion, I thought the rules didn’t apply to me and I was enough of a badass that I’d blink and all the weight would be gone. bitches_gots_to_learn_orange Full disclosure, though: I have been eating like total garbage. I know I’ll probably lose a few pounds as soon as I can break myself of this doughnuts-everyday routine, but it seems easier to just start running a lot again rather than change my highly enjoyable and firmly rooted dietary habits.

I got my first messy postpartum run out of the way on Tuesday, and another one on Friday. So many parts of me are tender, but nothing feels pulled or strained or fractured or prolapsed yet, so I think I’m off to a good start.

Of course I’ll keep you posted, dear friends.

Four and a half weeks later, in fragments

In case you were wondering what my #4thtrimesterbody looks like:

It's soft and leaky.

It’s soft and leaky.

You think if I clutch my uterus in that creepy way that pregnant women do, people will think I’m still pregnant and not just fat?

Heeey, little no baby.

Heeey, little not-a-baby.

So the other night, I thought I’d had a breakthrough. I’d been trying for three hours to get the baby to go to sleep. Nursing her, rocking her, finally laying her gently into the crib only to watch her eyes pop open again as she began to squawk. Times infinity. I decided to try the swaddle again, even though our last go at swaddling had resulted in her frantically trying to flex and bust out of the damn thing. And I tried the pacifier again, even though she’d refused it since birth. But this time she took it! Her eyes dropped shut immediately and she fell asleep. I laid her back in the crib AND SHE STAYED SLEEPING.

Eureka! Paci + swaddle = baby goes instantly to sleep. Of course, it only worked that one time, but it gave me hope. I ran out and bought two more swaddles and four different kinds of pacifiers.

The thing I hate most about parenting is all the STUFF. Everybody’s always doing blog posts about all their favorite baby gear {with affiliate links! Thanks for supporting my family!} and I’m never going to do that (unless I already have and just don’t remember, in which case, oops) because I hate that we have to rely on all kinds of STUFF to raise our kids. Especially if they’re going to outgrow that stuff in four months or less.

So, newbie doesn’t sleep for shit right now but I’m holding off on buying that $400 whatever it is THAT WILL TOTALLY CHANGE MY LIFE because she’s not going to be four weeks old forever.

Second time around, and I still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Nursing is difficult, sleep is fleeting and the house is in ruins. I worry that the baby isn’t gaining enough weight, isn’t sleeping enough, is too cold, is too warm, is not breathing, is breathing too much. I am the basket case #newmom all over again.

On the bright side, going places with two kids is not nearly as much of a big deal as I feared. I wear Codie in the Moby wrap A LOT (it’s the only time she sleeps), and Kenzie rides in the stroller or walks. We don’t have a car seat adapter for the BOB because Kenzie was born in December and we didn’t need it then, and we don’t have a double stroller because damn, those things are expensive and because OMG MORE STUFF.

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We did this last week and I meant to blog about it but I never did. Basically, we went to a fair and it was fun.

My only goal right now (besides the obvious like making sure everyone is bathed and fed) is to try to get both kids down for a nap at the same time each day. So far it’s happened three or four times, but usually Codie sacks out right around the time Kenzie is waking up. I’m realizing just how fucking eeeeeasy my life was with just one kid. So all you poor, poor moms out there complaining about your one kid can suck it.

Breastfeeding. Oh mah gaw. It has not been any easier for me the second time around. This kid nurses 20 times a day. I had a lactation consultant come over the first week we were home because I was certain the baby was chewing my nipples right off my chest and simultaneously starving to death. But she’s gaining weight and doing everything else just as she should (peeing, pooping, not projectile vomiting, etc.), so at the moment we’re writing her off as an extremely boobsessed baby and hoping it’s temporary.

#mommymartyr #getajob

#mommymartyr #getajob

My biggest struggle (other than everything I mentioned above) is feeling useless. While I’m camped out on the couch doing clusterfeeds (see above), my husband is making dinner, doing bath time and bedtime with Kenzie, dishes, laundry, etc. Pretty much everything except breastfeeding. I’m grateful for his help right now, but if I still need him to do all this in six months, I’ll feel like a total asshole.

Last, Kenzie is SUCH a good big sister, and I tell her that all the time. i was so worried she’d feel neglected and jealous, but so far she’s been enamored with Codie. And she calls her Codes. We didn’t even encourage that, she just started doing it one day. I DIE.

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Hey Codes.

I’ll be back with more drivel soon! How are things with you?